Domestic Violence... A Cancer That Ravages This Society

[Michele Green]

I am an African and Native American woman who is a mother, daughter, publisher, radio host, computer technician, cancer survivor (thyroid cancer - 10 years) -- and also a survivor of Domestic Violence. I am a staunch advocate for victims of Domestic Violence. The fight against Cancer is a noble one, but Domestic Violence is this society's "dirty little secret". People don't want to talk about or get involved in 'family business', but women, children, the elderly - and yes, sometimes even MEN, are abused and DYING at alarming rates, and the purpetrators are the ones they not only LOVE, but LIVE WITH. According to national statistics, one in every four women aged 14 - 54 in this country will be, or has been, involved in an abusive relationship within their lifetime. Domestic Violence (DV) is an umbrella term that also includes child abuse and elder abuse, and knows no race, color, religion or economic status - this effects EVERYONE. What, in your opinion, can we do to educate those who have not fallen victim to DV to keep them safe, and what are YOU willing to do to help someone who is in a DV relationship?

[sis.slaine]

sis they is nothing more that i can add as you have it covered. the stats in the uk are about the same. i share my truth to show others that there is alway a way out. the rest will be in my book when i make time to read it. DV is not used as an umbrella term in the uk am i am quite surprised that it is that is used in such as way in the us as i have worked with sisters that have worked in shelters for battered women and children. but if that is your truth i except it.

[Michele Green]

I am saddened to hear that the stats are the same in the UK, indeed in any part of the world. Yes, there IS a way out, but victims are made to be and feel oppressed, so they feel as if there is no way out, or if they try to get out and they are found out that they will suffer repercussions that they may not be able to handle... and that is death. But the determination to break the cycle must be there - and there is a definite pattern to the cycle; the abuse, the honeymoon phase (once the abused has forgiven the abuser), the calm and then it begins all over again. There is definitely such a thing as 'battered women's syndrome', where women can lose all sense of reality and make pleasing her abuser the primary goal of her life. The umbrella term as I have stated just means that domestic violence is not just among intimate partners, but is also defined as child abuse and elder abuse as well because the abuser most often LIVES in the same household as the abused. I was a case manager in a domestic violence shelter for almost 4 years, as well as a women's counselor (the shelter where I worked also had a children's counselor). I am glad that you have also had exposure to helping DV victims, and also that you continue to help victims. All Praises be to God!!

[Robert T Sells]

Everything you've said is very true Michelle. It is so sad to know this is an ongoing problem in every society around the world. What I suggest is making this subject a part of the curriculum in private and public schools. The other thing is what I have been doing, that is talking to groups of young men who are at risk. I have talked to young guys in jail, in school, and in community groups. I think men for one, need to be more active in showing young boys good examples of how "real men" are. Because the only image they have up until that point is what they see in videos and the movies. Boys need to hear it from other men that it is not good or cool to hit a woman. They need to see men who are actively pursuing their purpose in God. When I talked to the young men in jail and juvenile detention centers they always say, "I didn't know I had a choice". As men, let's stand up and let these young men know they have a choice and that God has a plan for their lives.

[Michele Green]

AMEN to that Bro. Sells!! Your suggestion that DV education be a part of the school curriculum is, in my opinion, an excellent one. That would help bring this issue out in the open, but I hope would also help those who not only are victims or a part of the cycle, recognize themselves and seek help, and help others be able to talk about the subject more freely in general. It must be recognized that this is the type of crime that cannot and SHOULD NOT go unchecked, for help and action can literally SAVE LIVES! Thank you for taking the initiative to help our young men see that they DO have a choice, and when God is truly in the mix, He speaks of LOVING leadership, not abusive dictatorship. God Bless You, Robert!

[PSOEMETRY™ AKA THE QUIETT STORME]

I was abused throughout my life. By relatives, mentally and physically, as a child. As an adult I was abused by my first husband. As a mother, when I divorced my first husband, I didn't realize it but I was abused by my children mentally. And believe it or not, to some degree I was abused by, not the Church, but some church members. And in the end of that line, I was abused by myself for allowing those other abuses to take place.
I have watched women be abused by their husbands, I left and could not understand what the hold on them was. They would go through it again and again and listen to him cry and beg. They would forgive him and go back and he would do the same. I watched a close friend after her beatings from her teenage son when he didn't get his way. The shame that would haunt her face as she hung her head and looked away from me. And we'd just pretend it didn't happen by changing the subject. I have felt the humiliation each time certain members of my, then, church family acted like my family wasn't good enough. Always forgetting to include my oldest son in activities with the pre teens.
I can still remember how he would be sooooo excited watching out the window for the Church van to come get him.....that never came. I remember how I felt when the driver would remember to pick up the new members kids and the old members kids and mine would be left home. How I'd call to see what her estimated time of arrival was as my sons eyes danced....only to hear her chirping voice sing, "Oooh girl, I forgot. I'm so sorry." Then I recall how his heart fell at my feet and the sparkle in his eyes dimmed.....for the last time.
There are many areas of abuse. Simple abuse that many people often overlook to the life threatening. It's all bad and it spreads and touches lives for years to come. Today my son won't set foot into a church and his soul is in danger....just because we were the "poor family at church" others didn't want to be around. The abuse from my husband touched the life of my next to the youngest son who is now living in an abusive relationship with his wife. I didn't raise my sons to hit women....but their father did, every time he raised his hands and hit me. And what will happen to their son, or their daughter.
And the self abuse, mentally thinking I'm never good enough. I sufferED.....ED.....past past past. Now, like a substance abuser, the recovery process lasts for the rest of you life. If you're in a abusive relationship, be it that you may be the abuser or the abusee....get some help. Everything we do, good or evil, touches the lives of others for a lifetime.
Forever and ever a-men.
(Chele, I'm putting "Didn't I Tell You" on my page.)
Psoemetry

[Michele Green]

Sister, you are so right... the affects of abuse, as well as LOVE, lasts an entire lifetime. I am so sorry that you and your children have had to suffer these ills, and I am also glad that you and your sons seemed to have found their own way of coping with the aftereffects and the pain. Unfortunately, for those who have been abused, the recovery process can take years or a lifetime - but getting counseling is the number one way to overcome the hurts and move on. I am still living with the affects of being in abusive relationships, and unfortunately I'm afraid I always will. But things are definitely better than they were in the beginning.

With counseling, I learned a few things about myself, and I use these discoveries to cope with my own fears and issues. But may people find themselves trapped in relationships and are unwilling and/or unable to break free. Did you know the average abused woman leaves 7 times before she is gone for good - either by their own power or death? I left 5 times myself before I left for good - number 6 was the charm. I have been beaten, stabbed, thrown down a flight of stairs and raped - all by the man who claimed to love me - and I still went back. For women it is usually about love and/or security. Their life is focused on making the abuser happy - everything else is secondary, including the children. For the abuser, it is most often control, NOT love. It makes him feel like a man to control another human being - and often the abusers were the victims of abuse themselves. I have been to 7 - SEVEN - funerals of women who have died at the hands of an abuser. This is NOT a small thing that can afford to stay 'hidden' in society - DV has a HUGE impact on the lives of those it touches, and THIS why the cycle must stop!

Thank you for your comments today Sis, and Praise God in ALL things!

[Toochukwu T.C. Anyachonkeya]

I don't know if DV can be prevented but my guess would be to know who you are dealing with. If the person has a history of fights or losing their temper then it might not be a good idea to provoke them. There is no justification for DV but if these warning signs are evident then why risk it?

[Michele Green]

That's just it, TC... the warning signs are usually NOT evident when one first meets a person, and may not exactly be truthful when questioned about having a history of abuse, and you may not know anyone who knows anything about them. NO ONE wants to be known as an abuser. A person can usually hide certain traits about themselves for a short while, a few weeks to a couple of months, until they get the person to really like and trust them - even fall in love with them. This in actuality is a BIG WARNING SIGN to people who are just beginning a relationship. The typical abuser wants to have their partner fall for them quickly, so they charm a person long enough, and 'sweep them off their feet' so to speak, so they won't get to know who they REALLY are until much later in the relationship. They usually shoot for a live-in arrangement, marriage AND/OR a baby to catch and keep them BEFORE they begin to let their abusive trendencies shine through. So this is a HUGE WARNING: If you have someone who is pushing you to live with them, get married and/or have a baby within the first few weeks or months of meeting them - THINK AGAIN and RUN FOR THE HILLS! It takes TIME to really get to know a person, and a few weeks or months is NOT enough time to know someone enough to make life-changing decisions with them. If things seem to be going too fast for you, then SLOW IT DOWN, and DO NOT TAKE 'NO' for an answer!! If your partner doesn't want to wait for you to feel comfortable about how the relationship is progressing, LET THEM LEAVE!! They do NOT care about your feelings or what YOU want, and being in a relationship is about COMPROMISE and RESPECT. You may save yourself a lot of time, heartache and abuse if you heed these common-sense signs. Abusers are looking for CONTROL, not LOVE.

Thank you for your comments, TC and everyone else! It gives me an opportunity to speak about and teach those who do not know or understand the dynamics of DV to learn how to help themselves, their relatives and/or friends who may be trapped in the cycle, and how to help spot an abuser BEFORE getting involved.